da YOOPER TIMES #121
Continuing in their quest to bring you the freshest products at all times, da Yooper IGA is rolling out a whole new idea in fresh venison. The next time you’re there shopping for your brick of corn dogs, your Keystone, and your Salems, look on da back wall between da Mountain Dew display and da U-Serve pizza slice kiosk — you’ll find a dutch door. Through it is a pen full of deer. Just put your IGA Saver’s card in da slot on da wall, grab yourself an In-store-use-only IGA rifle and pop your next meal! Having guests? Pop two! They’ll dress your prize for you while you shop and have it ready by the time you reach da Gossip Magazine rack. Dat’s fresh, Carl! Bridge cards are welcome, but may not be used for ammo.
Da next time you’re in da Post Office don’t be alarmed by da apparent absence of Elaine. That is her behind da counter as usual, just a bit difficult to recognize with that sweet playoff beard she’s got goin. Go WINGS! Yah!
Memorial Day, as you know, signals da beginning of Tourist Season and without the help of volunteers there’d be little reason for folks to visit. Thanks this year go to Ross Krahling and Leo Marks for tag-teaming da enviable Sasquatch responsibilities, you can see each of them (in proper attire) running back and forth in fur suits makin footprints in da Hiawatha forest along the lakeshore all year. Glen Mouser will work da remote Bald Eagles — a new attraction for da naive downstaters — (and much more natural looking than the old way of just wiring stuffed ones in branches of Park trees). And because of a large grant and da talents of Mottonen Construction, we have a new waterfall this year! Looks pretty natural, can’t hardly tell it’s made of foam and a zillion cans of Spray-On Concrete… unless you ask a purist… then it looks like “ass”. As always, the last Friday before da big weekend all da volunteers meet for one last, pre-tourist keg stand. Public is invited! Where? Da 8-Point, where else?
Someone wrote “Wersh me” in da dirt on Norb’s Suburu. Hey, if you can’t spell Warsh right Norb will never never understand what you mean.
This week’s Tourist of da Week goes to a woman from S.E. Michigan by da name of Eve Pickman. Eve was in our wondrous area last October for Novemberfest and filled out her lucky TTW entry while watching da whitest leg contest. For being chosen, Eve wins a tasty, Citgo, cod sandwich deluxe sponsored by the fantastic folks at Zillerman’s Furniture: Affordable whiskey barrel charm for home or office. Congratulations, Eve!
And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!
This week’s Tourist of da Week goes to a lower peninsula resident by the name of Ron Strong. Ron was in our beautiful area last June for a lecture series on the dung beetle. For being chosen, Ron wins a beautiful, handcrafted, coconut pirate head sponsored by da wonderful people at Best Value Car Fixin. We’ll treat your Dodge like a king, and we won’t hose you like da Shell station does. Congratulations Ron!
Octogenarian Rose Ellis fell asleep at da podium while giving da Vegetable Club her acceptance speech for “West Indian Gherkin Harvest Champion 2012″. Out like a light for periods totaling 40 minutes made for a very long afternoon for the packed crowd of seven. Rose has been nominated for da award nine times. This was her first win.
