da YOOPER TIMES #163
Da Elks Lodge is hosting their biggest annual fundraiser beginning next week. If you’re new to da area, this is the popular two-week fundraiser where da Elks collect cash donations to keep Tina Foubert fully clothed. As in past years, if they don’t raise $100,000 in da two weeks, Tina will voluntarily (but with help) slip in to one of her highly-elastic, teeny bikinis and ride around da city on a fire engine. They raise da fund-raising goal every year and, oddly, have NEVER EVER had a problem meeting it.
The Detroit Red Wings begin their NHL playoff appearance for the 23rd year in a row recently and that can only mean one thing — well, two things actually. 1) some great hockey is about to begin and 2) Ella Foulkes will again start her playoff beard. Always a sight! You don’t even have to watch a game to know if da Wings are still in da hunt. Check in on her from time to time, she works at da Citgo. If da Wings make the 2nd round, her beard should be long enough to tug on. And if they go to da finals you won’t be able to tell the difference between her and Billy Gibbons, guaranteed!
I know we still have snow outside, both in da forecast and on da ground, but Tourist Season is nevertheless drawing nearer and da city is urging us all to take down our Christmas lights (Halloween lights too, Markie Crooter), wash our Dodges and redeem our Mountain Dew returnables. It’s not hard to do….. okay, maybe it is… so pick two. We have three weeks until all those weirdos show up.
ALLERGY SEASON BEGINS – Spring allergy season is kicking in and da experts are predicting a particularly nasty year for those of us who suffer. Because we have so many trees, da U.P. received a federal grant to assist. So for a short time, da Yooper Health Department is giving out free shots to all allergy sufferers — Kessler’s, Jack Daniels, and Grand MacNish. Da nurses tell us these shots won’t do anything medically for your allergies but if you come in a few times a day, every day, you won’t care and it won’t matter. Must be 21 to have an allergy.
This week’s Tourist of da Week is a woman from da mitten — I’m thinkin all da tourists come from lower MI, eh? Anyway, her name is Ginny Miller and she was in our fine area last October for da Annual Cut River Woolypalooza and filled out her lucky entry card at da base of da world’s tallest pair of wooden long johns. For getting selected Ginny wins herself a recycled Pabst can, cat magnet for her fridge… or her Dodge… or her tackle box. This week’s great prize was sponsored by da sensational folks at Fishbucks: Gordon Bowker’s not-so-popular first big idea. Congratulations Ginny!
And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!