Fish Beer & Beard Show winners, clinical study


Green Foam Fingerda YOOPER TIMES #161
Da Fish Beer & Beard Show was this past weekend. Maybe you went, in case you didn’t: gaining da show’s coveted “Voted #1” status for da 5th consecutive year was, to no one’s surprise, Wally Glannenen’s Interactive Beer Funnel Display. For this distinction Wally will keep his bragging rights from years past, as well as the giant foam finger that claims he is #1! Da Herbal Soap guy is not at all pleased (again) and thinks da voting at da show is rigged because his display of “Homemade Efferfescent Naturals” hasn’t had a fair shake since da show began in 1997. Not even so much as a lifetime achievement award. Zip. Moving on: Da Fish Eating Contest judges awarded Gail Dunny top honors for snarfing up 9 pounds of smoked haddock in under 9 minutes. “If I coulda used my hands, I’d have done it even quicker”, stated da happy winner. With the recognition, Ms. Dunny wins her name (engraved with past winners) on the base of da Mahogany Pelican. And rounding out da top prizes this year, Herb Eckloff took first prize in da Beard Contest for his facial spoils “grown since da 8th grade”. But even better than that, Herb’s upper back… took 2nd! First time dat’s happened! A great day for da Yeti-like, retired snow plow driver from Engadine. Attendance was down this year but organizers blame it on last month’s wind. — says it blew the show’s only ad off the bulletin board in the air lock of da Bait Store. The owners, Don and Joan are regretful and promise that next year they’ll remember to use push pins on all da corners. FB&B Show 2014: Lots of beer, lots of fish and lots of beards. Come back next year why doncha?

Herbert Lassinen didn’t get his Arby’s coupons in da paper Friday so if you need him Saturday, he’ll be at da Subway.

If you need some extra cash, Dr. Raymond Orter will be conducting a study all da month of April. You can make $20 just for getting sedated (for free, yah!) and sitting in some special chair with a colander on your noggin and a couple of wires hooked to a marine battery. Should only take 3-4 hours they say. Easy money. To find out if you or a loved one is eligible to participate in dis non-evasive clinical trial, give the good Dr. a call. And if you like evasive clinical trials, those will be in May.

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The Cheese Oscar

This week’s Tourist of da Week is some Joe from da east side by da name of Godard. Joe Godard.  Joe was in our peninsula last October for da Tandem Bike Festival in Brimley and filled out his lucky entry card at da Handlebar Basket and Craft Tent. For getting selected, Mr Godard wins a 3′  Cheese Oscar sponsored by da nice folks at Yooper Foot Massage: No worries, if your feet are knarly, we’ll just use da office stick. Congratulations Joe!

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!

Merriam Webster, FishKing, show your rash


k car

Millie’s Dodge Aries K with da low seat

da YOOPER TIMES #160
Merriam Webster has officially recognized da word “Yooper” and will include it as a noun in da 2014 edition of their giant book of words. The fight to include “Yooper” began in 2002 by a long-time Escanaba resident. 12 years it took before the editors of da dictionary finally gave in to this relentless campaign and agree to add it to the zillion other words found there. If it does nothing else, it will make da book a bit thicker. Which is good news for everyone driving in the vicinity of da aging Millie Cathcart . For years, she has used those dictionaries to prop herself up so she can see over da wheel of her K-car. “Phone books don’t last. Besides, unlike [husband] Frank, they’re getting thinner each year, and they slip when you’re forced to stack them up,” Millie said, “too dangerous a situation when you have to swerve through unexpected parades and pesky funeral processions. I’ll stick with da Websters.” EDITOR’S NOTE: Officially, “Yooper” is a noun and the definition Merriam gave it is as follows: a native or resident of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan – used as a nickname. What’s next? “Yah”? “Uffda”? “Eh”? Eh?

The Fish, Beer and Beard Show is once again upon us. New this year will be demos by Phil Laurila . He’ll be showing off his wonderful “FishKingOscillating Fish Processing System for the home. Phil has figured out a fully automated way to get this squirmy delectable from your pail directly to your T.V. table in as little as 12 minutes without any handling! It scales, guts, decapitates, fillets, beer batters, and deep frys da little rascals in a self-contained conveyor system of automation winsomeness. The only thing you have to do is empty out the chum bucket from time to time and hose it off when it starts to funk. Truly amazing. Yah! Tickets to see this and all the other great Fish, Beer and Beard Show items are only $5 and FREE to bearded patrons! Get ‘em at the door from Kaarl. Saturday 9 – 5 and Sunday 10-4.

Da Old Fogey Home hosted a show and tell rash party last Thursday. Fun for everyone. Prizes were awarded to the biggest, da best color, and also to any rash that resembled a famous person. Glen McEvers had da biggest (entire calf and foot). Ruth Noack had da best color (much like an abalone shell) and Yvonne Nissen had a 12” irritation that looked remarkably like fat Elvis. Punch and fiber bars were served.

mole slippersThis week’s Tourist of da Week is a gentleman from lower Michigan who signed his name on da card as Dave Linabury. Dave must have been in our area last June for Stormy Cromer Days in L’Anse because he filled out his winning entry at da Sandy Sheets B&B there. For getting selected, Dave wins a beautiful and very warm pair of natural mole hyde evening slippers sponsored by da charming folks at Grobar’s Medical Supply: Buy a mobility scooter, get a free catheter kit now through June! Congratulations Dave!

And that’s all da news dat fits did week!

St. Patrick’s Day at da 8-Point


da YOOPER TIMES #159
8-POINT BAR U.P., MICHIGAN – So da Yooper Times boss called me in to da newsroom last Friday and told me that he was having everything on top of his medulla oblongata removed Saturday and needed me to cover all da “gaiety, color, and zest” of St. Patrick’s Day 2014 at da 8-Point this year. I told him I had no problem with covering da color and da zest — but I wasn’t touching no gaiety. To which he retorted: “Look it up, Salmon Lips, and you aren’t to drink either – you’re our designated reporter! Get there early. I want it all.”

My first stop Monday (right after a Citgo donut and 20 minutes Googling medulla oblongata) was da Yooper Times tent for my mouthguard souvenir, required of all staff members. Then I proudly marched right by the first keg of green Keystone Light — not at all difficult since it was being served by a woman with Don King hair who could easily body double for Andre the Giant — wrestling shorts and all. Across da tent I spotted an empty foldy chair just 10 feet from Dewey Reeveland (last year’s holiday newsmaker). As I looked about, I noticed thick, colorful rubber rings flying in every direction. Seems da color-coded, weight-classed wristband idea was going down as da first casualty of the day. If there was going to be a brawl, no one would be going around checking wrist band colors! What were they tinking, Kaarl?

Da foldy chair I picked was great. It was adjacent to da only blue plastic one holer in tent #1 and when someone wanted in, they’d invariably ask me to hold their beers. At first I was a good helper. But da temptation was too great, and I began sneaking a sip or two from each one as da price for being so accommodating. It wasn’t long at all before da first guy they trusted with protecting their precious Keystones, should have been da last.

SNAP! Da first wristband nailed me in da left eye. Pissed me off it did. Dewey shot it but, at 165 pounds, I was no match to his scale-tipping 347. So I sat down and just listened to him laugh-snort. Then da beer Gods shone upon me as Brian Rezek asked me to hold his just-poured, ice-cold, 60-oz, delicious-looking St. Paddy’s beer. I said yes, but inside I knew ol’ Brian wasn’t gettin it back. UUuurrrp. I held it to my newly swollen eye for as long as I could stand the temptation then I sucked it back like a sieve. Then everything started mmmmuuurrrp happening. It was like da last three laps at Talledega – one car goes and it takes out da whole field. And no sooner did Brian close da door to da one-holer when Ricky Welker grabbed some duct tape and secured Brian’s place for da night. Lanny Kampanenen  saw da stunt and didn’t think that was very fair to his friend Brian so he UUuuurrrrp started whaling on Ricky right in front of me! So close in fact that I had to move or, uuurrrp, get nailed myself, uRRRrrrrp. Da fight was now fully engulfed and at 10:30 AM, Monday, March 17, officially, tent #1 wa da first to go! Mmmuurrp. Schmeeking of going, uuurrp, I left about da same time Andre started to look good to me. Urrp. And uuurrrp.

Police tell me that it went on for 14 more hours, and all 12 tents, plus da original Sports Room were flattened. Total cost of da holiday “gaiety” was a record-setting 9 grand! Uffda! Happy St. Patrick’s Day from da 8-Point! Uuurrrp.

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!

We goofed, yah, eh?


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The offending rat (shown above) being ordered by da Yooper Times editor to “git walkin”.

da YOOPER TIMES #158
If you are a Yooper Times subscriber and received a new issue of da TIMES in your email inbox earlier Sunday, looking like a draft of something to come, don’t worry any – it was just a draft of something to come. And da idiot who pressed da “Publish” button instead of da proper “Save Draft” button has been dealt with severely. Macintosh IIsi privileges – gone! Use of da Yooper Times’ staff beer cave, vend-o-land and outhouse suspended for 6 months. Plus, da no good Lunk Head has to parade all around da Bait Mall on his free time, wearing a sandwich board dat not only reads “He pushed da Publish button” but also has a green arrow pointing directly toward his hollow noggin so there’s no mistaking who did what. On behalf of everyone here at da Yooper Times, we apologize for da goof.

Please visit Wednesday for all da news dat fits!

Holy holiday, snow melt, GS Cookies


mouthguardda YOOPER TIMES #156
If you need a large party tent any time this week and don’t have one yet, you can forget it — you aren’t gettin one. Da 8-Point has again rented the entire area out of all tents, torpedo heaters, foldy chairs, and blue plastic one-holers just like they did last year around this time of year (St.Patrick’s Day). And, like last year, da 8-Point is again gonna be da center of da world for all things green. Only one thing noticeably different this year over last, if you go, wishing to participate in a brawl, you must first register in a weight class and get a color-corresponding wrist band. If, say, you get a blue wristband you can’t go hauling off and punch someone wearing a yellow one, for example. You get da idea, Kaarl. A move designed to eliminate lopsided mismatches — like the one last year when that 374 lb. rat Dewey Reeveland  picked up Ricky Welker (134 lbs.) and threw him 20-plus feet into da face of an unsuspecting Brian Rezek – spilling Brian’s green beer all over da air hockey table and ruining his game. Poor Brian. If you plan on going, go early and be sure to stop by da YOOPER TIMES tent to get your free St. Patrick’s Day mouth guard (complete with handsome Yooper Times logo silkscreened on da front). And don’t forget to check back right here next week for complete details of da events there on this much-anticipated and holiest of all Yooper holidays. Yah!

Someone changed da letters (again) on da blinky sign outside of da Yeti Lodge. Points go to whoever figured out that, with a little rearranging, you can spell “ATE PISS” outta “PASTIES”. Still, da owner there didn’t appreciate it.

It got warm here for da first time in months and melted quite a lot of snow. If you’re keeping official records, da snow height is now down to da height of da Kangaroo portion of the Bounder logo on Kenneth Loukinen’s ’81 RV. This is good news if you live in that RV, Vern Pechaver. It is not good news if you’ve been tossing your empties in your yard all winter, Vern Pechaver.

Da Girl Scouts in our area are again peddling their Yooper delights for one and all. Besides all da favorites like Fin Mints, and Carpalongs, each will be offering two new flavors: Trescales and Salmonoas. Still just $3.50 per box! They’ll be set up at da IGA – end cap of aisle #1, right across from da hunting magazines and da  stand alone P.O.P. Salem display.

sockmonkey hatIt’s Tourist of da Week time and Mike Sullivan, from somewhere far away — south of Grayling, is this week’s winner! Mike was here, with his family, last May for da kickoff to Citgo’s Summer Concert Series (when they play tunes through all da Citgo pumps on all da filling islands for all of da pesky tourists to enjoy). For getting selected, Mr. Sullivan wins a handsome, hand-knitted sock monkey winter hat sponsored by everybody’s long time Barber friend, One-eyed Ray: Where da right side always comes out right. Congratulations  Mike!

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!

Police respond, Spelling Bee, spring contest


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Da cop

da YOOPER TIMES #155
Police responded to a residence in the 300 block of Jonboat on a report of “a dozen, lazy, non-working Badgers” living in the homeowner’s own bedroom! Da hysterical and obnoxious naked man also reported witnessing Unicorns eating “yellows” outta da hamper (yes, you read dat right) and that he “somehow locked himself out of his living room again”. Da cop investigated and to no one’s surprise found no martians, no Unicorns, and his living room was exactly where it was supposed to be – between da microwave cart and da heap of empties in da closet – with no locks anywhere either. Speaking of empties, it didn’t take long for da cop to figure out that da only problem at this residence was a condition  associated with all those empties, a condition we’ve come to term as “Keystone Fugue”. See it every day — happens all da time, cop got it handled. We’ve all been there. Nothing to see here. Move along. Bye, now.

Little Henry Furlane won da 5th grade Spelling Bee last Wednesday by spelling “Panfish Jigs” , and beating 2nd place Dakota Houser in a close contest. No, I mean, literally punching Dakota’s lights out. It wasn’t exactly how things are designed to go in a Bee, admits da school board, but it was entertaining to say da least!

Da Yooper WalMart is having a contest! Open to everyone! Go to da Wally World and find da roped-off mountains of piled snow in da back corner of da lot. On a 4×6 note card (or a Wendy’s bag, whatever’s closest) write down how many plastic shopping bags are buried within da pile. If spring ever comes dis year, a store employee (probably Lyle) will then gather up and count all those soggy Wally World bags. If you’re closest to da actual number you could win Wally World Mystery Meat Wedges (In da handy Family Pail) plus a case of Dew! Don’t forget to guess how many pounds of cigarette butts are in dat pile too because if there’s a tie on da bag count, da butt weight total will settle all bets. Enter as often as you like! Good luck!

Bobby Howko , at age 8, has become da youngest Yooper in history to belch da full finnish alphabet… from start… to finnish (ha) and Curtis Howko, Bobby’s dad, can sing Sinatra’s “My Way” out of his own burps. How Curtis can draw out those long vowels would bring a tear to your eye – and if he ate garlic, a tear to BOTH your eyes! What a team, those two. See them perform this Saturday at da Yeti Lodge’s Karaoke Room, 8PM!

keystone buck mountDa Tourist of da Week honors go to a man from lower Michigan who was in our scenic peninsula last July for Independence Day festivities (when Kaarl blew up all those old dryers with C-4 down by da dock). His name is Bill Biliti and for getting selected, Bill wins himself a much-envied, 4-point Keystone Buck Mount sponsored by those wonderful people at Pickles  Massage Therapy and Lube Rack: Da Massage is for your back not your pickle, da lube is for your Dodge. Don’t be sick. Congratulations Bill!

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!

Aho’s Palace, run tap, Dodge night


Screen Shot 2014-02-24 at 8.50.59 PMda YOOPER TIMES #154
Had a busy day last Friday capping an unusually busy week, and to soothe da nerves and grease da cog before da weekend, I wandered into a bar in Redridge for a couple of cold ones and a fishwich. The name on da sign read “The Troll Inn” but that was an old sign from da previous owners, and Aho hasn’t yet coughed up enough coin to change it to its present name “Aho’s Palace”. I  kinda liked “Troll Inn” but Aho quickly pointed out that “Troll” takes on a lot of meanings in dis area “Didn’t necessarily describe my fine, 9-stool tavern and fine eatery for what it was”. He had a point. I looked around as I sat there nursing my 3rd pint of Flannel Jacket Amber Ale and noticed that except for a couple of different beer mirrors and da green Zenith being on da wrong wall, Aho’s could pass for da 8-Point! Same repurposed casino carpet, same stains on da pool table, same punky, wet ash tray odor filling da air, “freshened” only occasionally by a urinal mint waft every time someone opened and shut da squeaky men’s room door. Twilight Zone. Yah, but cozy, eh.

Someone plugged up da one-holer in da state park real good. I can’t remember a time when anyone’s ever done this. The Park Ranger says, if you’re out… and in need, just keep driving, don’t slow down – roped it off  ’till spring, they did.

Da persistent freezin cold temperatures around here not only have gotten da best of even da most seasoned of Yoopers, it’s also gotten da best of our water pipes too. So much so, that da City’s mayor has ordered a “open tap, run water, 24-7, until further notice” notice, so your pipes don’t end up like da ones by da bowling place. And, besides da inconvenience, you know what this means, don’tcha Kaarl? Figure it out, da ONLY liquid in da 8-Point… comes from a tap… so guess what’s running 24-7 behind da counter over there, eh? Kaarl? BEER! And where’s da mayor you ask? Has anyone seen da mayor? Oh, Mr. Mayorrrrr? Uh-huh.

Somebody burned a Ford Taurus in da parking lot at da Bait Mall. That “somebody” turned out to be its owner Al Lainenenen. “I hated that thing” he said, “plus I was gettin cold”. Well, then, there you have it.

Friday is Dodge night at da IGA. Just show your current Dodge registration to da cash register person, and receive a 2-liter Mountain Dew FREE with any Frozen Pizza Bite purchase (Pepperoni or Supreme, 40-lb bags only). One per registration, per visit please.

couch blue pathThis week’s Tourist of da Week is a woman from somewhere with da name Pat Geyer. Pat was here last month for da popular Moose Call Derby and filled out her lucky entry card by the guy selling wildlife koozies. For getting selected, Pat wins a luxurious, blue, love seat sponsored by da wonderful folks at Shanty’s Furniture: Exceptional Pre-owned Quality. Huge Selection. Low Prices. Dat’s Shanty’s!  Congratulations Pat!

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!