da YOOPER TIMES #144
Deer hunting season. That special time of year when every single solitary soul in da U.P….. is……. out in da woods shooting stuff! Don’t try to pay your water bill or bitch about garbage collection – there’s nobody at City Hall. Nobody at da Bait Mall, nobody at da 4-Hour Oil Change, or da Bowling Place either. Da IGA and da Citgo are on their honor systems again – like last year – just write down what it is you’re buying, then leave da money in da cup — and don’t change da radio stations! Police and EMS are gone too, if you’re getting robbed or you cracked your skull on a branch just call and leave a message. They’ll get back to you if it sounds urgent. Even Pastor Ghast went out in search of Bambi this year – masses are still going on but guess who took da key to da holy wine cave? Uh-huh. Hang in there, things will be getting back to normal soon, yah.
Da first of this year’s parent/teacher conferences was last Friday night. Over 400 people showed up to discuss kids’ report cards, attendance, attitudes, and progress (or not, Denny Gantz). Most came for the free beer and karaoke. The few who came to talk to their kids’ teachers learned that little Coty Barnes can’t add 2 and 2 or construct a simple sentence, but da cute little 4th grader can tear down and rebuild a Tecumseh 10-horse like nobody’s business. Davin Lakenen is disruptive in class but can quarter a deer before most of us could recite da Pledge of Allegiance. And no fish is safe when da quiet little Robbie Zorza shows up with his Havalon Barracuta Pro Fillet Knife®. To witness the way he prepares his catch would bring a tear to any man’s eye. Pure talent. Additionally, Ruth Katers showed her taters after getting too close to da beer canoe again and before da night was out, as she’s done so many times before, took it all off and streaked da gymnasium, all da while yelling “Uffda! Hahahah! I’m Batman! Uffda!”. Tara Kokesh won da Karaoke contest and Ralph Beltz won da impromptu beer pong tournament held on da craps table in da Vice Principal’s office. Love these conferences!
Da hardware place wants all their loyal customers to know that their ad in da paper stating that every Meyer well pump sold in December would come with one free, 12 ounce bag of Red Worm Bird Seed, is a misprint. Both the product and the promotion were published in error. December has historically been Rug Doctor Month. Rent a Rug Doctor and get one, ELEKTRIK®, 15 amp receptacle for half price. White or bone. A 59¢ value!
This week’s Tourist of da Week is a visitor from Texas and her name is Gail Tann. Gail was in our area for July’s Rod-n-Reel Days in Yalmer, and filled out her lucky entry card at da kiosk right outside da inflatable Bouncy Fish. For getting selected Ms. Tann wins a beautiful piece of fine portraiture art from da Melstrand Art Gallery’s Premier Collection and is sponsored by da happy people at MossyOak Life Insurance: Because you can’t predict when you’ll slip in a Jon Boat and wake up dead. Congratulations Gail!
And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!