da YOOPER TIMES #172
It’s been a solid month without a Yooper Times update and our offices were swarmed last Wednesday by three crazy-assed protesters demanding answers. Officially, Dewey Frakki was supposed to seamlessly publish our updates while we were at a Yooper Publishers Conference in Negaunee. But he chose to hang out with his buddies Dale and Ronny far too much and as a result spent all of his time in da 8-Point… which affected his melon… which affected his computer skills… which ultimately affected “all da news dat fits.”. Unofficially, we were out fishing at Kaarl’s, tried out his new Jonboat, played cards, never showered, chewed chew, and shared a million or so pollack jokes. We’d still be there now if it weren’t for da chemistry lesson we all received when you mix Keystone Light with fish tacos and salted, in-shell peanuts. If you were worried, don’t be. da Yooper Times isn’t going anywhere. We’re here to stay. Got bills to pay. Yah, eh!
Someone complained about the dead guy being smack in front of da bakery and Wally Mattenen is tired of always having to move him. Could someone else please just go roll him down da street a bit so everyone can be happy? Thank you.
Labor Day has come and gone and with it marked da official end of “Tourist Season” – and we ALL know what this means, don’t we Kaarl? Yah, eh! What poses each summer as Happy Larry’s Family River Canoe Rentals will now return itself to da locally, more popular, Smitty’s River Poaching. Da souvenir shop on Muskie Ct. shelved all their trinkets and trash ’til next spring and as early as this Friday will re-open for poker, roulette, darts, and bait. Leo Vartti can remove his Bigfoot suit and come in from da woods. Da Citgo Summer Concert Series ended with a Kenny Chesney marathon of sorts – we can now FINALLY get our gas and jerky without any commotion. Locals can again wear their long johns outside any time of day. And if your lawn mower or Dodge quits in da middle of your yard, you can legally leave it right there where it died ’til next June if you want, or so says da cop Chief. Been a helluva summer. Everybody, as you were!
This week’s Tourist of da Week came to our area all da way from downstate MI! Her name is Erica Spaniola and Erica was in Crystal Falls last June for Skeet Week and filled out her lucky entry card at Shotshells-R-Us. For getting selected, Erica wins herself one, free day’s ride on da Budweiser Delivery Truck! This envious prize was sponsored by all da fine folks at Manson’s Bingo Supplies: If it doesn’t say “Manson’s” on da dauber, then it’s not a Manson’s dauber! Congratulations Erica!
And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!