Protest, dead guy, and back to normal

bring backda YOOPER TIMES #172
It’s been a solid month without a Yooper Times update and our offices were swarmed last Wednesday by three crazy-assed protesters demanding answers. Officially, Dewey Frakki was supposed to seamlessly publish our updates while we were at a Yooper Publishers Conference in Negaunee. But he chose to hang out with his buddies Dale and Ronny far too much and as a result spent all of his time in da 8-Point… which affected his melon… which  affected his computer skills… which ultimately affected “all da news dat fits.”. Unofficially, we were out fishing at Kaarl’s, tried out his new Jonboat, played cards, never showered, chewed chew, and shared a million or so pollack jokes. We’d still be there now if it weren’t for da chemistry lesson we all received when you mix Keystone Light with fish tacos and salted, in-shell peanuts. If you were worried, don’t be. da Yooper Times isn’t going anywhere. We’re here to stay. Got bills to pay. Yah, eh!

Someone complained about the dead guy being smack in front of da bakery and Wally Mattenen is tired of always having to move him. Could someone else please just go roll him down da street a bit so everyone can be happy? Thank you.

Labor Day has come and gone and with it marked da official end of “Tourist Season” – and we ALL know what this means, don’t we Kaarl? Yah, eh! What poses each summer as Happy Larry’s Family River Canoe Rentals will now return itself to da locally, more popular, Smitty’s River Poaching. Da souvenir shop on Muskie Ct. shelved all their trinkets and trash ’til next spring and as early as this Friday will re-open for poker, roulette, darts, and bait. Leo Vartti can remove his Bigfoot suit and come in from da woods. Da Citgo Summer Concert Series ended with a Kenny Chesney marathon of sorts – we can now FINALLY get our gas and jerky without any commotion. Locals can again wear their long johns outside any time of day. And if your lawn mower or Dodge quits in da middle of your yard, you can legally leave it right there where it died ’til next June if you want, or so says da cop Chief. Been a helluva summer. Everybody, as you were!

Screen Shot 2014-09-05 at 9.42.18 PMThis week’s Tourist of da Week came to our area all da way from downstate MI! Her name is Erica Spaniola and Erica was in Crystal Falls last June for Skeet Week and filled out her lucky entry card at Shotshells-R-Us. For getting selected, Erica wins herself one, free day’s ride on da Budweiser Delivery Truck! This envious prize was sponsored by all da fine folks at Manson’s Bingo Supplies: If it doesn’t say “Manson’s” on da dauber, then it’s not a Manson’s dauber! Congratulations Erica!

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!


bring backDA People have taken to da streets and management has been forced to RESPOND! EFFECTIVE FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 5TH, and no longer on wednesdays, da Yooper Times will return, ONCE AGAIN, for its regular weekly updates. Cool, yah? Eh?

Circus, new business and rescue at sea

dancing sandwichda YOOPER TIMES #171
GLADSTONE – Da U.P. Circus was in town this past week and attendance was down according to its organizers. They figure most people here took da tents, clowns, jackass go-round, bearded lady, beer dunk tank and da horse poop smell as da annual Flakkenenen Family Reunion, so they didn’t bother to come. Too bad, too, because the circus had all that plus a whole new line-up of attractions to enjoy. Here’s just a small list of what you apparently mistook for a reunion: a Dancing Club Sandwich (see photo), a half human/half elk/half fish Screen Shot 2014-07-21 at 4.20.00 PMmathematician,  da world’s second and only female chain saw juggler (R.I.P. #1 Melissa Tervella), Spike Osler, da fire breathing kayaker; a man-eating Walleye and da talented Hunty da Clown who tied balloon revolvers for all da happy, little nose miners. Try not to miss it next year! Good times, yah!

Jay Foreland lost 2 pounds on da popular 8-Point Bar & Grill Diet Plan. Oddly that is exactly how much his spleen weighs… weighed.

Been out in da woods lately? Can’t see your backside very well? Worry no more, because there is a new business in town that specializes in tick removal! Weezer’s Tweezers has opened up shop at da parts counter of da former Chrysler dealer. Joey Murto, da owner, says “just come in, step behind da phony office topiary and drop trou, Weezer’s will take things from there.” $10 for da average “survey” and if you’re huge like Leona Fulks then it’s $20….and up. Add $2 per deer tick removed and $5 each for wood ticks. That’s all! You’re in and out in as little as 20 minutes! Look for coupons on da bulletin board at da bait shop. We offer group discounts! 906-555-9090

Da Coast Guard rescued da 9th tourist kayaker(?) from da lake yesterday and, just like da first 8, this one didn’t think a simple kayak full of Busch Light and ice would impede his craft’s floating performance. Well, tell that to da captain of da cruise boat who witnessed da victim frantically drinking his payload to get da kayak back to a safe water level — then burp like a sea lion and pass out. “We see it all da time, sadly”, da captain remarked, “if folks’ would just swat all their beers before they shoved off, things would be so much safer around here.” Da victim, Bob Contois from Trenton, MI was dragged to da shore to dry out and fined $150.

Da Tourist of da Week drawing cage is broken. Okay, it’s not broken, somebody stole it. Probably some Joe tossed it in da fountain for laffs or something so no winner this week. Too bad, too, because we had a sweet prize to give away. We got Kaarl on da blow dryer now. Should be back to normal soon.

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!

Kurt Biddle Night, Mall cleaning, close call at da 8-Point

4th july single explosion

This year’s grand finale was Ed and Joanne Gribbon’s “problematic” GE, 16 cu. ft., upright freezer.

Independence Day (a.k.a. Kurt Biddle night). Nobody blows up old appliances better than 20 year old Kurt Biddle. Nobody. And nobody but Kurt can send a Frigidaire chest freezer full of C4 and “buckets of sprinkly stuff” skyward 300+ feet and disintegrate it over da bay with such captivating precision. He does it year after year. “My pop taught me how to do this when I was eight”, Kurt said, “he taught me that da chest freezers go last because they hold da most. But I’m telling ya, these days, to keep da crowd engaged until da freezers go up, you need to launch a steady supply of old clothes dryers, maybe some under-counter trash compactors or something with glass – da crowds have quite an appetite for this”.  This year’s show included a large proportion of the Maytag brand name and I asked Mr. Biddle if there was a reason. “Maytags are actually my favorites. They give off a very loud and distinguishable, quality sound when they blow. Be fun to see dat Maytag character try to fix one after tonight, eh?” [laughs]. This year’s crowd was estimated at about 7,000 and da organizers would like to thank everyone for their donations of cash and durable goods. They couldn’t do this without yas”.

Da south end of da Bait Mall will be closed for cleaning Wednesday. Stores located north of da stuffed elk, all da way to da giant clam, however, will remain open for businesses as usual.

Da 8-Point Bar was da scene of a “misunderstanding” at a class reunion party held there July 3rd. Seems Terry Kukla (Class of ’94) wandered away from his reunion party to use da facilities at about da same time Ricky Platt felt da same need after pounding his 5th growler of Keystone Light in da bar area. Problem: da 8-Point has only a one-holer and courteousness is not one of Ricky’s best traits. Terry put up a good fight but Ricky won da bout with a solid head lock and then a choke out that forced Terry to finally cry uncle. Everyone in da bar had paired off by then… and stood ready… but for some unknown reason that’s all they did – paired off. Cooler heads prevailed, and no mayhem ensued. And since it wasn’t a full-on brawl, sorry, no free chili cheese fry coupons were handed out.

bearThis week’s Tourist of da Week is Brian Carroll Mettler from somewhere around da Motor City. Brian was in our great area last month for da Garden Peninsula’s Taxidermypalooza and filled out his winning entry card at da Deer Scat Cafe. For getting selected Brian wins himself a nice size bottle of Ultimate Bear Lure sponsored by da fine folks at Loon’s Family Mattress: Spend the night with a Loon, you’ll never go back! Congratulations Brian!

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!

Sheriff makes national TV, Citgo shortage


cnn_frame PASTY LABda YOOPER TIMES #169
Not since da mayor got interviewed by Karyn Kivisto at TV 73 News last week has da area seen so much national coverage from a public official. This week, da nation’s eyes are on our sheriff Elmie Vashaw for uncovering a major, local, illegal pasty ring. So much of a bust that he was interviewed on CNN. If you missed da TV report, da Meat Pie Team (MPT), headed by da sheriff, busted a major illegal pasty lab last Monday. This time in Marquette County. Investigators found plenty of potatoes and rutabagas (used to make pasties) in various buildings and cars on Pike Avenue. When da pasty team showed up with a search warrant, they found a man there, with an apron and flour on his hands — plus, he stenched of steamed onions. Officers arrested him on a probation violation first, then for making da U.P. staple without a license with intent to deliver, and seized over 1,200 meat pies with a street value totaling an estimated $4,800. Jimi Kochanski has been formally charged with making and trafficking da counterfeit, local delicacies. Da investigation continues and da sheriff’s department expects more charges to be drummed up – “This slime ball knows more”, da sheriff stated, “he’s a player.” If you would like to report illegal pasty activity, you can do so anonymously at  MPT’s Pasty Hot Line (NOT da  hot… pasty… line — altogether different ) at 906-555-7119.

Randy Dunn knows all da words to Kelly Clarkson’s popular album “All I Ever Wanted“. Da great thing about this is that Randy sings it out loud 24-7. Great? Well, yeah, if you want to put him under your deck to drive out a raccoon infestation, not so great if your name is Robin Dublanc and Randy lives in da apartment above you.

Da Citgo has informed us that they have exhausted all supplies of da popular chews “Grizzly Wintergreen Long Cut” and “Red Man Select” . Da manager has also informed us that they have ordered 25 cases of each and supplies should be back to normal in time for da weekly Women’s Auxiliary Meeting on Thursday.

Screen Shot 2014-06-30 at 9.08.56 PMThis week’s Tourist of da Week is a lovely woman from S.E. Michigan by da name of Martha Torre-Carter. Martha was in our remote peninsula last April for da ATV Mud Quarterfinals in Laurium and filled out her lucky entry card at da AmsOil tent. For getting selected, Martha wins a lovely, locally hand-crafted, bingo-playing, sea shell frog  sponsored by da wonderful people at Chard’s Free-range Poultry and PropaneYou need a chicken? How ’bout an LP tank? Chard’s has…… BOTH! Congratulations Martha!

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!

“I’m sorry”, hatchery poaching, other news

mayorNEWSMayor apologizes for fish slur

Saying he was ‘’ashamed and disgusted’’ with himself, da Mayor apologized repeatedly for making a fish slur at a Scotty McCreery concert that was caught on video and posted on YouTube. The video of da Mayor holding a “God hates fish” sign surfaced Wednesday on the Internet. Da Mayor issued a statement of apology then met with reporters in City Hall. ‘’This is da lowest of lows,’’ da Mayor said. ‘’This is [belch] not the type of person I want to be portrayed as. This isn’t the type of person I am. Why, just the other day I had a cod dinner and it was very tasty. I’m a sorry.’’ Da Mayor said he had been drinking heavily for weeks when he was recorded waving da placard in da faces of da owners and customers of a fish-fry trailer at da concert in May. ‘’I was raised better den that. I have great parents, who love all da fish, and they’re disgusted with my actions.’’ After a brief spell of  impromptu flatulence, da Mayor finished his press conference promising to swear off da sauce for a “significant amount of da rest of da afternoon.”

Matt Mumpower was again caught fishing with explosives in da hatchery and this time will likely go to jail for it. Da arresting officer allegedly witnessed Mr Mumpower allegedly duct taping alleged explosives to alleged rocks and allegedly tossing them in da alleged hatchery, then allegedly scooping da bounty out with an alleged bucket down by da filter bubbler. If convicted Matt allegedly faces up to 6 months in jail and an alleged $2,000 fine.

In other news:

  • Norb Matta , at da senior center, will be playing da Best of da BeeGees on da lobby’s organ Friday night. This sounds like a great evening. Bring a friend.
  • Someone ordered a dinner basket of Crispy Barbecued Marin Farms Goat Enchiladas at da bowling place last Tuesday and never picked it up. If you’re hungry…………. and like bargains…….
  • Da pie shop on Mackerel, next to da Keystone Brewery Outlet Store, now sells crawlers! Find ‘em in da cooler between da real-estate pamphlets and da carved, tree-stump grizzly.
  • Da proposal to commission an area artist to construct a 30-foot tall snowblower out of nothing but Busch Light beer cans failed to get da necessary funding so that area of da park is gonna have to remain an old, unsightly waterfowl sanctuary.

high heel glass shoe

This week’s Tourist of da Week is a Mr. Scott Lane from lower Michigan. Scott was here June 3rd for our version of Groundhog’s Day in McMillan (Just 6 more weeks of winter) and filled out his winning entry card at da Kissing Booth, located at da east end of Port-a-John row –– yeah, what Einstein thought that one up, eh Kaarl? For getting selected, Scott wins an exquisitely designed, glass, high-heeled shoe with red, white and green junk floating inside it, sponsored by your friends and mine at Polkky’s Dry Cleaners & Pentecostal Church: Renewing NASCAR jackets and souls alike, since 1987. Congratulations Scott!

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!

Skeeter funnels, Fishen Report, key fob.

mosquitotornadoda YOOPER TIMES #167
Mosquito swarms continued to pound da peninsula on Wednesday afternoon, producing dozens of skeeter funnels, like this one in Menominee County. Da severe conditions halted fishing and poaching and led to da total devastation of da tire pile behind Wilfred Bloxton’s trailer. Chasers reported a record 28 skeeter funnel sightings with four unconfirmed touch-downs – one in Iron, Menominee (pictured) and Baraga Counties, another in Chippewa County. No deaths were reported but Neil Beltz came close after being picked up from his back porch by a mass of da needle-nosed little bastards and carried 3 miles down da road – flying in circles over Dodgehenge as da skeeters took turns with all Neil’s exposed flesh. And just as quickly as they snatched him up they then just chucked him in da crick. “You can’t believe da power of those nasty little buggers until you go outside… to blow up an old refrigerator… use a tree… whatever, and then get caught up in a skeeter cloud.” he stated, “da crick saved me from getting sucked dry, yah.” The Peninsula Mosquito Service says skeeter storms were expected to remain in da area through June , maybe even the month of August.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a good time of year to remind everybody to prepare and practice your skeeter escape plans twice a year with everyone in your household, including children and people with disabilities.

Da Late Spring FISHEN REPORT by Buck Fishen
Had excellent walleye fishin in Murray Bay. Hoyt trolled blue and chrome crank baits and crawler harnesses in 4 to 8 feet and came up with his dinner for tomorrow… da lucky pot-licker. Dirk used planer boards there and seemed to have luck too, however bottom bouncers used with crawler harnesses were also “doin it good”, he said. There are no weeds to fish around at this time of year so Gil is enjoying his time on the water, actually fishing, and not getting hammered by da brown bag in his tackle box. Smallmouth were caught in Maxton Bay, but not by Dwight. He got wasted last night at Milo Crary’s retirement party and is pretty much sleeping things off in his Jon Boat. See you on da water! With love. -Buck!

Some woman swore out da window of her Dodge Dynasty in da direction of mail carrier, Shelba Maarkenen, Thursday, for no reason. A shocked Marji Prock, a witness to da off-colored remark, memorized da license number of da vehicle and has put da offender on her church’s prayer list for this Sunday.

fishbobThis week’s Tourist of da Week is a gentleman from da windy city by da name of Todd Rader. Todd was in our remote area last November for pretty much no reason at all (that we can figure out) except to have a Hardee’s #1 and use da restroom at da Citgo in St. Ignace (where he filled out his lucky entry card). For getting selected Todd wins a handsome, water-filled, up-cycled breast implant key fob – with a real fish floating in it! Sponsored by da friendly folks at Hirvelä’s Funeral Home and Local-game Deli: Say goodbye to a loved one… and have a Meatball Sub! Congratulations Todd!

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!