da YOOPER TIMES #171
GLADSTONE – Da U.P. Circus was in town this past week and attendance was down according to its organizers. They figure most people here took da tents, clowns, jackass go-round, bearded lady, beer dunk tank and da horse poop smell as da annual Flakkenenen Family Reunion, so they didn’t bother to come. Too bad, too, because the circus had all that plus a whole new line-up of attractions to enjoy. Here’s just a small list of what you apparently mistook for a reunion: a Dancing Club Sandwich (see photo), a half human/half elk/half fish mathematician, da world’s second and only female chain saw juggler (R.I.P. #1 Melissa Tervella), Spike Osler, da fire breathing kayaker; a man-eating Walleye and da talented Hunty da Clown who tied balloon revolvers for all da happy, little nose miners. Try not to miss it next year! Good times, yah!
Jay Foreland lost 2 pounds on da popular 8-Point Bar & Grill Diet Plan. Oddly that is exactly how much his spleen weighs… weighed.
Been out in da woods lately? Can’t see your backside very well? Worry no more, because there is a new business in town that specializes in tick removal! Weezer’s Tweezers has opened up shop at da parts counter of da former Chrysler dealer. Joey Murto, da owner, says “just come in, step behind da phony office topiary and drop trou, Weezer’s will take things from there.” $10 for da average “survey” and if you’re huge like Leona Fulks then it’s $20….and up. Add $2 per deer tick removed and $5 each for wood ticks. That’s all! You’re in and out in as little as 20 minutes! Look for coupons on da bulletin board at da bait shop. We offer group discounts! 906-555-9090
Da Coast Guard rescued da 9th tourist kayaker(?) from da lake yesterday and, just like da first 8, this one didn’t think a simple kayak full of Busch Light and ice would impede his craft’s floating performance. Well, tell that to da captain of da cruise boat who witnessed da victim frantically drinking his payload to get da kayak back to a safe water level — then burp like a sea lion and pass out. “We see it all da time, sadly”, da captain remarked, “if folks’ would just swat all their beers before they shoved off, things would be so much safer around here.” Da victim, Bob Contois from Trenton, MI was dragged to da shore to dry out and fined $150.
Da Tourist of da Week drawing cage is broken. Okay, it’s not broken, somebody stole it. Probably some Joe tossed it in da fountain for laffs or something so no winner this week. Too bad, too, because we had a sweet prize to give away. We got Kaarl on da blow dryer now. Should be back to normal soon.
And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!
da YOOPER TIMES #170
MUNISING – Independence Day (a.k.a. Kurt Biddle night). Nobody blows up old appliances better than 20 year old Kurt Biddle. Nobody. And nobody but Kurt can send a Frigidaire chest freezer full of C4 and “buckets of sprinkly stuff” skyward 300+ feet and disintegrate it over da bay with such captivating precision. He does it year after year. “My pop taught me how to do this when I was eight”, Kurt said, “he taught me that da chest freezers go last because they hold da most. But I’m telling ya, these days, to keep da crowd engaged until da freezers go up, you need to launch a steady supply of old clothes dryers, maybe some under-counter trash compactors or something with glass – da crowds have quite an appetite for this”. This year’s show included a large proportion of the Maytag brand name and I asked Mr. Biddle if there was a reason. “Maytags are actually my favorites. They give off a very loud and distinguishable, quality sound when they blow. Be fun to see dat Maytag character try to fix one after tonight, eh?” [laughs]. This year’s crowd was estimated at about 7,000 and da organizers would like to thank everyone for their donations of cash and durable goods. They couldn’t do this without yas”.
Da south end of da Bait Mall will be closed for cleaning Wednesday. Stores located north of da stuffed elk, all da way to da giant clam, however, will remain open for businesses as usual.
Da 8-Point Bar was da scene of a “misunderstanding” at a class reunion party held there July 3rd. Seems Terry Kukla (Class of ’94) wandered away from his reunion party to use da facilities at about da same time Ricky Platt felt da same need after pounding his 5th growler of Keystone Light in da bar area. Problem: da 8-Point has only a one-holer and courteousness is not one of Ricky’s best traits. Terry put up a good fight but Ricky won da bout with a solid head lock and then a choke out that forced Terry to finally cry uncle. Everyone in da bar had paired off by then… and stood ready… but for some unknown reason that’s all they did – paired off. Cooler heads prevailed, and no mayhem ensued. And since it wasn’t a full-on brawl, sorry, no free chili cheese fry coupons were handed out.
This week’s Tourist of da Week is Brian Carroll Mettler from somewhere around da Motor City. Brian was in our great area last month for da Garden Peninsula’s Taxidermypalooza and filled out his winning entry card at da Deer Scat Cafe. For getting selected Brian wins himself a nice size bottle of Ultimate Bear Lure sponsored by da fine folks at Loon’s Family Mattress: Spend the night with a Loon, you’ll never go back! Congratulations Brian!
And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!
PASTY TRAFFICKING HITS AREA
da YOOPER TIMES #169
Not since da mayor got interviewed by Karyn Kivisto at TV 73 News last week has da area seen so much national coverage from a public official. This week, da nation’s eyes are on our sheriff Elmie Vashaw for uncovering a major, local, illegal pasty ring. So much of a bust that he was interviewed on CNN. If you missed da TV report, da Meat Pie Team (MPT), headed by da sheriff, busted a major illegal pasty lab last Monday. This time in Marquette County. Investigators found plenty of potatoes and rutabagas (used to make pasties) in various buildings and cars on Pike Avenue. When da pasty team showed up with a search warrant, they found a man there, with an apron and flour on his hands — plus, he stenched of steamed onions. Officers arrested him on a probation violation first, then for making da U.P. staple without a license with intent to deliver, and seized over 1,200 meat pies with a street value totaling an estimated $4,800. Jimi Kochanski has been formally charged with making and trafficking da counterfeit, local delicacies. Da investigation continues and da sheriff’s department expects more charges to be drummed up – “This slime ball knows more”, da sheriff stated, “he’s a player.” If you would like to report illegal pasty activity, you can do so anonymously at MPT’s Pasty Hot Line (NOT da hot… pasty… line — altogether different ) at 906-555-7119.
Randy Dunn knows all da words to Kelly Clarkson’s popular album “All I Ever Wanted“. Da great thing about this is that Randy sings it out loud 24-7. Great? Well, yeah, if you want to put him under your deck to drive out a raccoon infestation, not so great if your name is Robin Dublanc and Randy lives in da apartment above you.
Da Citgo has informed us that they have exhausted all supplies of da popular chews “Grizzly Wintergreen Long Cut” and “Red Man Select” . Da manager has also informed us that they have ordered 25 cases of each and supplies should be back to normal in time for da weekly Women’s Auxiliary Meeting on Thursday.
This week’s Tourist of da Week is a lovely woman from S.E. Michigan by da name of Martha Torre-Carter. Martha was in our remote peninsula last April for da ATV Mud Quarterfinals in Laurium and filled out her lucky entry card at da AmsOil tent. For getting selected, Martha wins a lovely, locally hand-crafted, bingo-playing, sea shell frog sponsored by da wonderful people at Chard’s Free-range Poultry and Propane: You need a chicken? How ’bout an LP tank? Chard’s has…… BOTH! Congratulations Martha!
And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!
Mayor apologizes for fish slur
da YOOPER TIMES #168
Saying he was ‘’ashamed and disgusted’’ with himself, da Mayor apologized repeatedly for making a fish slur at a Scotty McCreery concert that was caught on video and posted on YouTube. The video of da Mayor holding a “God hates fish” sign surfaced Wednesday on the Internet. Da Mayor issued a statement of apology then met with reporters in City Hall. ‘’This is da lowest of lows,’’ da Mayor said. ‘’This is [belch] not the type of person I want to be portrayed as. This isn’t the type of person I am. Why, just the other day I had a cod dinner and it was very tasty. I’m a sorry.’’ Da Mayor said he had been drinking heavily for weeks when he was recorded waving da placard in da faces of da owners and customers of a fish-fry trailer at da concert in May. ‘’I was raised better den that. I have great parents, who love all da fish, and they’re disgusted with my actions.’’ After a brief spell of impromptu flatulence, da Mayor finished his press conference promising to swear off da sauce for a “significant amount of da rest of da afternoon.”
Matt Mumpower was again caught fishing with explosives in da hatchery and this time will likely go to jail for it. Da arresting officer allegedly witnessed Mr Mumpower allegedly duct taping alleged explosives to alleged rocks and allegedly tossing them in da alleged hatchery, then allegedly scooping da bounty out with an alleged bucket down by da filter bubbler. If convicted Matt allegedly faces up to 6 months in jail and an alleged $2,000 fine.
In other news:
- Norb Matta , at da senior center, will be playing da Best of da BeeGees on da lobby’s organ Friday night. This sounds like a great evening. Bring a friend.
- Someone ordered a dinner basket of Crispy Barbecued Marin Farms Goat Enchiladas at da bowling place last Tuesday and never picked it up. If you’re hungry…………. and like bargains…….
- Da pie shop on Mackerel, next to da Keystone Brewery Outlet Store, now sells crawlers! Find ‘em in da cooler between da real-estate pamphlets and da carved, tree-stump grizzly.
- Da proposal to commission an area artist to construct a 30-foot tall snowblower out of nothing but Busch Light beer cans failed to get da necessary funding so that area of da park is gonna have to remain an old, unsightly waterfowl sanctuary.
This week’s Tourist of da Week is a Mr. Scott Lane from lower Michigan. Scott was here June 3rd for our version of Groundhog’s Day in McMillan (Just 6 more weeks of winter) and filled out his winning entry card at da Kissing Booth, located at da east end of Port-a-John row –– yeah, what Einstein thought that one up, eh Kaarl? For getting selected, Scott wins an exquisitely designed, glass, high-heeled shoe with red, white and green junk floating inside it, sponsored by your friends and mine at Polkky’s Dry Cleaners & Pentecostal Church: Renewing NASCAR jackets and souls alike, since 1987. Congratulations Scott!
And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!
da YOOPER TIMES #167
Mosquito swarms continued to pound da peninsula on Wednesday afternoon, producing dozens of skeeter funnels, like this one in Menominee County. Da severe conditions halted fishing and poaching and led to da total devastation of da tire pile behind Wilfred Bloxton’s trailer. Chasers reported a record 28 skeeter funnel sightings with four unconfirmed touch-downs – one in Iron, Menominee (pictured) and Baraga Counties, another in Chippewa County. No deaths were reported but Neil Beltz came close after being picked up from his back porch by a mass of da needle-nosed little bastards and carried 3 miles down da road – flying in circles over Dodgehenge as da skeeters took turns with all Neil’s exposed flesh. And just as quickly as they snatched him up they then just chucked him in da crick. “You can’t believe da power of those nasty little buggers until you go outside… to blow up an old refrigerator… use a tree… whatever, and then get caught up in a skeeter cloud.” he stated, “da crick saved me from getting sucked dry, yah.” The Peninsula Mosquito Service says skeeter storms were expected to remain in da area through June , maybe even the month of August.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a good time of year to remind everybody to prepare and practice your skeeter escape plans twice a year with everyone in your household, including children and people with disabilities.
Da Late Spring FISHEN REPORT by Buck Fishen
Had excellent walleye fishin in Murray Bay. Hoyt trolled blue and chrome crank baits and crawler harnesses in 4 to 8 feet and came up with his dinner for tomorrow… da lucky pot-licker. Dirk used planer boards there and seemed to have luck too, however bottom bouncers used with crawler harnesses were also “doin it good”, he said. There are no weeds to fish around at this time of year so Gil is enjoying his time on the water, actually fishing, and not getting hammered by da brown bag in his tackle box. Smallmouth were caught in Maxton Bay, but not by Dwight. He got wasted last night at Milo Crary’s retirement party and is pretty much sleeping things off in his Jon Boat. See you on da water! With love. -Buck!
Some woman swore out da window of her Dodge Dynasty in da direction of mail carrier, Shelba Maarkenen, Thursday, for no reason. A shocked Marji Prock, a witness to da off-colored remark, memorized da license number of da vehicle and has put da offender on her church’s prayer list for this Sunday.
This week’s Tourist of da Week is a gentleman from da windy city by da name of Todd Rader. Todd was in our remote area last November for pretty much no reason at all (that we can figure out) except to have a Hardee’s #1 and use da restroom at da Citgo in St. Ignace (where he filled out his lucky entry card). For getting selected Todd wins a handsome, water-filled, up-cycled breast implant key fob – with a real fish floating in it! Sponsored by da friendly folks at Hirvelä’s Funeral Home and Local-game Deli: Say goodbye to a loved one… and have a Meatball Sub! Congratulations Todd!
And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!
da YOOPER TIMES #166
Professional Tourist Spotter, Mel Hofer was once again first this season to find and photograph da area’s earliest migratory visitors. “Early mornings are typically better as da tourists are more active and vocal making them easier to spot. At night, after a large triple cheese pizza and Cokes they tend to get noticeably more silent “, claimed da lucky photographer, “weather, too, plays an important role in the occurrence of tourists as many hate da snow and da cold. I couldn’t sit here in March and get a shot like this”. He told me that this particular group rolled in from Indiana with their bumpout RV and never wandered out of its sight. Noisy bunch especially that little nose miner in front, “very easy to spot” he claimed. Nice shot, Mel!
Been kinda quiet at da 8-Point lately and that gave da owners time to rebuild da sports room and powerwash da bathrooms… and da pool table… and da full mount black bear… and while they had da machine, they cleaned up Ricky Hebner too. It also gave them time to save up some cash for da next “big night” — which was good, because “da next big night” was just this past Tuesday! It began at da bar. There, a quiet Jimmi Malo sat at da famous duct taped stool right under da green Zenith. To his right was Rocco Melka who was showing Jimmi his scar from last month’s 8-Point misunderstanding – just got his stitches out Monday! When all of a sudden a Clydesdale Budweiser swag lamp, the one that had managed to survive so many squabbles before, flew missle-like over their heads — just missing their faces while taking out four stacks of those little black plastic popcorn baskets, a Keystone tent card and da nut rack. “Shit” said Jimmi, “you okay?” “Yah you?” answered Rocco , “Yah”. The waitress, thinking ‘ol stitch-face broke da coveted lamp, approached the duo and head-butted Rocco sending him to da floor (to understand this you would have to meet da waitress). Then Jimmi pounced on da waitress and da bartender pounced on Jimmi defending da waitress then Matt Plutt came outta nowhere and picked up da bartender and tossed him on top of what was once a fine Budweiser lamp — sufficiently ruining any hope of repair or salvage. It was with da sound of dat crash dat everyone else in da place then paired off and began whaling on each other’s faces. In the end, there were no fires, but there were four arrests, and bar damage estimates still managed between 4 and 6 grand and for being in attendance when a fight broke out, each member of the Seppi Family not only got to see a great brawl, they each won a free order of chili cheese fries. Ahhh da 8-Point, no place like it on earth. No. eh?
Da Citgo has an offer you can’t refuse. Fill up with 8 gallons or more of Premium Unleaded and receive a Woodcock stamp on your hunting license for free! Yah! No shit, Kaaarl!
No Tourist of da Week dis week. Da selection drum is broken.
Believe it or not, this is 60 words more than all da news dat usually fits dis week!