Elks Fund-raiser, playoff beard, allergy season


elksladyda YOOPER TIMES #163
Da Elks Lodge is hosting their biggest annual fundraiser beginning next week. If you’re new to da area, this is the popular two-week fundraiser where da Elks collect cash donations to keep Tina Foubert fully clothed. As in past years, if they don’t raise $100,000 in da two weeks, Tina will voluntarily (but with help) slip in to one of her highly-elastic, teeny bikinis and ride around da city on a fire engine. They raise da fund-raising goal every year and, oddly, have NEVER EVER had a problem meeting it.

The Detroit Red Wings begin their NHL playoff appearance for the 23rd year in a row recently and that can only mean one thing — well, two things actually. 1) some great hockey is about to begin and 2) Ella Foulkes will again start her playoff beard. Always a sight! You don’t even have to watch a game to know if da Wings are still in da hunt. Check in on her from time to time, she works at da Citgo. If da Wings make the 2nd round, her beard should be long enough to tug on. And if they go to da finals you won’t be able to tell the difference between her and Billy Gibbons, guaranteed!

I know we still have snow outside, both in da forecast and on da ground, but Tourist Season is nevertheless drawing nearer and da city is urging us all to take down our Christmas lights (Halloween lights too, Markie Crooter), wash our Dodges and redeem our Mountain Dew returnables. It’s not hard to do….. okay, maybe it is… so pick two. We have three weeks until all those weirdos show up.

ALLERGY SEASON BEGINS – Spring allergy season is kicking in and da experts are predicting a particularly nasty year for those of us who suffer. Because we have so many trees, da U.P. received a federal grant to assist. So for a short time, da Yooper Health Department is giving out free shots to all allergy sufferers — Kessler’s, Jack Daniels, and Grand MacNish. Da nurses tell us these shots won’t do anything medically for your allergies but if you come in a few times a day, every day, you won’t care and it won’t matter. Must be 21 to have an allergy. 

catmagThis week’s Tourist of da Week is a woman from da mitten — I’m thinkin all da tourists come from lower MI, eh? Anyway, her name is Ginny Miller and she was in our fine area last October for da Annual Cut River Woolypalooza and filled out her lucky entry card at da base of da world’s tallest pair of wooden long johns. For getting selected Ginny wins herself a recycled Pabst can, cat magnet for her fridge… or her Dodge… or her tackle box. This week’s great prize was sponsored by da sensational folks at Fishbucks: Gordon Bowker’s not-so-popular first big idea. Congratulations Ginny!

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!

 

Crossword night, kindergarten registration, Realtree®


Henry: "It was da naugahyde, I swear"

Henry: “It was all naugahyde, I swear”

da YOOPER TIMES #162
ENGADINE– Crossword puzzle night at da old fogey home last Monday was anything but normal. Henry Crimmins got there early to sit in his favorite naugahyde wing chair so he could fidget and make fart noises with da cushions all night (nothing makes fart noises like genuine naugahyde).  He does this to get under da skin of dear old Mrs. Higbie, who everyone knows doesn’t like fart noises, or, excuse me “flatulence”. Duke Hissula doesn’t buy all Henry’s “fidget noise” was from da naugahyde — “I sat in da red foldy chair just 3 feet away and caught an eggy, smoked salmon & Kessler’s cloud coming from da chair occasionally, AND HE NEVER MOVED!”. As Henry’s “naugahyde” air began to thicken, Ed Kezelle passes out with a thud – and of course Eddie snores… like a damn Yeti he does. Mistakenly thinking da racket was from Eddie choking on da 3 layer brownies Mrs. Nayback so thoughtfully baked, Kenny Murto got up and started da Heimlich maneuver on him, which pissed him off real bad because “I was just sleeping you miserable pan fish”, he yelled, — so those two wrestled themselves to da floor. And Tom Pina, who can’t see or hear for nothin, thought da two were gonna break a card table or something, so in an effort to get ‘em to stop, he wheeled himself over and started whaling as well as a nearly deaf and practically blind man can. Actually very funny because he never landed a punch — just swung his arms around violently for a good 20 minutes as he screamed out lots of cusses. Looked impressive! All the commotion woke up da rest of da residents and before anyone knew it, we had on our hands a real live old-fogey rumpus! No arrests, tons of lost teeth (well… yeah, duh) and a respectable $3,760 in damage to da crossword room! Not quite at da 8-Point level of things, no, but still admirable. Yah!

Yooper Kindergarten registration begins Monday and lasts all week. $5 cover charge and one dollar drafts!  Children must be 5 years old to register, parents must be 21 or over (strict school board rule) to buy.

Everyone is encouraged to wear Realtree® jackets to school this Thursday in support of… something… or other. EDITOR’S NOTE: Shouldn’t be a problem.

dtapehatThis week’s Tourist of da Week is a man from lower Michigan by da name of Paul Kangas. Paul was in da U.P. last June for da Sandfly Parade and filled out his lucky entry card at da “Deep Woods Off” tent. For getting selected, Mr. Kangas wins himself a beautiful, locally made duct tape ball cap sponsored by da great folks at Four Seasons Bail Bonds: Keeping people on time for their wedding day since 1968. Congratulations Paul!

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!

 

Fish Beer & Beard Show winners, clinical study


Green Foam Fingerda YOOPER TIMES #161
Da Fish Beer & Beard Show was this past weekend. Maybe you went, in case you didn’t: gaining da show’s coveted “Voted #1” status for da 5th consecutive year was, to no one’s surprise, Wally Glannenen’s Interactive Beer Funnel Display. For this distinction Wally will keep his bragging rights from years past, as well as the giant foam finger that claims he is #1! Da Herbal Soap guy is not at all pleased (again) and thinks da voting at da show is rigged because his display of “Homemade Efferfescent Naturals” hasn’t had a fair shake since da show began in 1997. Not even so much as a lifetime achievement award. Zip. Moving on: Da Fish Eating Contest judges awarded Gail Dunny top honors for snarfing up 9 pounds of smoked haddock in under 9 minutes. “If I coulda used my hands, I’d have done it even quicker”, stated da happy winner. With the recognition, Ms. Dunny wins her name (engraved with past winners) on the base of da Mahogany Pelican. And rounding out da top prizes this year, Herb Eckloff took first prize in da Beard Contest for his facial spoils “grown since da 8th grade”. But even better than that, Herb’s upper back… took 2nd! First time dat’s happened! A great day for da Yeti-like, retired snow plow driver from Engadine. Attendance was down this year but organizers blame it on last month’s wind. — says it blew the show’s only ad off the bulletin board in the air lock of da Bait Store. The owners, Don and Joan are regretful and promise that next year they’ll remember to use push pins on all da corners. FB&B Show 2014: Lots of beer, lots of fish and lots of beards. Come back next year why doncha?

Herbert Lassinen didn’t get his Arby’s coupons in da paper Friday so if you need him Saturday, he’ll be at da Subway.

If you need some extra cash, Dr. Raymond Orter will be conducting a study all da month of April. You can make $20 just for getting sedated (for free, yah!) and sitting in some special chair with a colander on your noggin and a couple of wires hooked to a marine battery. Should only take 3-4 hours they say. Easy money. To find out if you or a loved one is eligible to participate in dis non-evasive clinical trial, give the good Dr. a call. And if you like evasive clinical trials, those will be in May.

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The Cheese Oscar

This week’s Tourist of da Week is some Joe from da east side by da name of Godard. Joe Godard.  Joe was in our peninsula last October for da Tandem Bike Festival in Brimley and filled out his lucky entry card at da Handlebar Basket and Craft Tent. For getting selected, Mr Godard wins a 3′  Cheese Oscar sponsored by da nice folks at Yooper Foot Massage: No worries, if your feet are knarly, we’ll just use da office stick. Congratulations Joe!

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!

Merriam Webster, FishKing, show your rash


k car

Millie’s Dodge Aries K with da low seat

da YOOPER TIMES #160
Merriam Webster has officially recognized da word “Yooper” and will include it as a noun in da 2014 edition of their giant book of words. The fight to include “Yooper” began in 2002 by a long-time Escanaba resident. 12 years it took before the editors of da dictionary finally gave in to this relentless campaign and agree to add it to the zillion other words found there. If it does nothing else, it will make da book a bit thicker. Which is good news for everyone driving in the vicinity of da aging Millie Cathcart . For years, she has used those dictionaries to prop herself up so she can see over da wheel of her K-car. “Phone books don’t last. Besides, unlike [husband] Frank, they’re getting thinner each year, and they slip when you’re forced to stack them up,” Millie said, “too dangerous a situation when you have to swerve through unexpected parades and pesky funeral processions. I’ll stick with da Websters.” EDITOR’S NOTE: Officially, “Yooper” is a noun and the definition Merriam gave it is as follows: a native or resident of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan – used as a nickname. What’s next? “Yah”? “Uffda”? “Eh”? Eh?

The Fish, Beer and Beard Show is once again upon us. New this year will be demos by Phil Laurila . He’ll be showing off his wonderful “FishKingOscillating Fish Processing System for the home. Phil has figured out a fully automated way to get this squirmy delectable from your pail directly to your T.V. table in as little as 12 minutes without any handling! It scales, guts, decapitates, fillets, beer batters, and deep frys da little rascals in a self-contained conveyor system of automation winsomeness. The only thing you have to do is empty out the chum bucket from time to time and hose it off when it starts to funk. Truly amazing. Yah! Tickets to see this and all the other great Fish, Beer and Beard Show items are only $5 and FREE to bearded patrons! Get ‘em at the door from Kaarl. Saturday 9 – 5 and Sunday 10-4.

Da Old Fogey Home hosted a show and tell rash party last Thursday. Fun for everyone. Prizes were awarded to the biggest, da best color, and also to any rash that resembled a famous person. Glen McEvers had da biggest (entire calf and foot). Ruth Noack had da best color (much like an abalone shell) and Yvonne Nissen had a 12” irritation that looked remarkably like fat Elvis. Punch and fiber bars were served.

mole slippersThis week’s Tourist of da Week is a gentleman from lower Michigan who signed his name on da card as Dave Linabury. Dave must have been in our area last June for Stormy Cromer Days in L’Anse because he filled out his winning entry at da Sandy Sheets B&B there. For getting selected, Dave wins a beautiful and very warm pair of natural mole hyde evening slippers sponsored by da charming folks at Grobar’s Medical Supply: Buy a mobility scooter, get a free catheter kit now through June! Congratulations Dave!

And that’s all da news dat fits did week!

St. Patrick’s Day at da 8-Point


da YOOPER TIMES #159
8-POINT BAR U.P., MICHIGAN – So da Yooper Times boss called me in to da newsroom last Friday and told me that he was having everything on top of his medulla oblongata removed Saturday and needed me to cover all da “gaiety, color, and zest” of St. Patrick’s Day 2014 at da 8-Point this year. I told him I had no problem with covering da color and da zest — but I wasn’t touching no gaiety. To which he retorted: “Look it up, Salmon Lips, and you aren’t to drink either – you’re our designated reporter! Get there early. I want it all.”

My first stop Monday (right after a Citgo donut and 20 minutes Googling medulla oblongata) was da Yooper Times tent for my mouthguard souvenir, required of all staff members. Then I proudly marched right by the first keg of green Keystone Light — not at all difficult since it was being served by a woman with Don King hair who could easily body double for Andre the Giant — wrestling shorts and all. Across da tent I spotted an empty foldy chair just 10 feet from Dewey Reeveland (last year’s holiday newsmaker). As I looked about, I noticed thick, colorful rubber rings flying in every direction. Seems da color-coded, weight-classed wristband idea was going down as da first casualty of the day. If there was going to be a brawl, no one would be going around checking wrist band colors! What were they tinking, Kaarl?

Da foldy chair I picked was great. It was adjacent to da only blue plastic one holer in tent #1 and when someone wanted in, they’d invariably ask me to hold their beers. At first I was a good helper. But da temptation was too great, and I began sneaking a sip or two from each one as da price for being so accommodating. It wasn’t long at all before da first guy they trusted with protecting their precious Keystones, should have been da last.

SNAP! Da first wristband nailed me in da left eye. Pissed me off it did. Dewey shot it but, at 165 pounds, I was no match to his scale-tipping 347. So I sat down and just listened to him laugh-snort. Then da beer Gods shone upon me as Brian Rezek asked me to hold his just-poured, ice-cold, 60-oz, delicious-looking St. Paddy’s beer. I said yes, but inside I knew ol’ Brian wasn’t gettin it back. UUuurrrp. I held it to my newly swollen eye for as long as I could stand the temptation then I sucked it back like a sieve. Then everything started mmmmuuurrrp happening. It was like da last three laps at Talledega – one car goes and it takes out da whole field. And no sooner did Brian close da door to da one-holer when Ricky Welker grabbed some duct tape and secured Brian’s place for da night. Lanny Kampanenen  saw da stunt and didn’t think that was very fair to his friend Brian so he UUuuurrrrp started whaling on Ricky right in front of me! So close in fact that I had to move or, uuurrrp, get nailed myself, uRRRrrrrp. Da fight was now fully engulfed and at 10:30 AM, Monday, March 17, officially, tent #1 wa da first to go! Mmmuurrp. Schmeeking of going, uuurrp, I left about da same time Andre started to look good to me. Urrp. And uuurrrp.

Police tell me that it went on for 14 more hours, and all 12 tents, plus da original Sports Room were flattened. Total cost of da holiday “gaiety” was a record-setting 9 grand! Uffda! Happy St. Patrick’s Day from da 8-Point! Uuurrrp.

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!

We goofed, yah, eh?


publish button

The offending rat (shown above) being ordered by da Yooper Times editor to “git walkin”.

da YOOPER TIMES #158
If you are a Yooper Times subscriber and received a new issue of da TIMES in your email inbox earlier Sunday, looking like a draft of something to come, don’t worry any – it was just a draft of something to come. And da idiot who pressed da “Publish” button instead of da proper “Save Draft” button has been dealt with severely. Macintosh IIsi privileges – gone! Use of da Yooper Times’ staff beer cave, vend-o-land and outhouse suspended for 6 months. Plus, da no good Lunk Head has to parade all around da Bait Mall on his free time, wearing a sandwich board dat not only reads “He pushed da Publish button” but also has a green arrow pointing directly toward his hollow noggin so there’s no mistaking who did what. On behalf of everyone here at da Yooper Times, we apologize for da goof.

Please visit Wednesday for all da news dat fits!

Holy holiday, snow melt, GS Cookies


mouthguardda YOOPER TIMES #156
If you need a large party tent any time this week and don’t have one yet, you can forget it — you aren’t gettin one. Da 8-Point has again rented the entire area out of all tents, torpedo heaters, foldy chairs, and blue plastic one-holers just like they did last year around this time of year (St.Patrick’s Day). And, like last year, da 8-Point is again gonna be da center of da world for all things green. Only one thing noticeably different this year over last, if you go, wishing to participate in a brawl, you must first register in a weight class and get a color-corresponding wrist band. If, say, you get a blue wristband you can’t go hauling off and punch someone wearing a yellow one, for example. You get da idea, Kaarl. A move designed to eliminate lopsided mismatches — like the one last year when that 374 lb. rat Dewey Reeveland  picked up Ricky Welker (134 lbs.) and threw him 20-plus feet into da face of an unsuspecting Brian Rezek – spilling Brian’s green beer all over da air hockey table and ruining his game. Poor Brian. If you plan on going, go early and be sure to stop by da YOOPER TIMES tent to get your free St. Patrick’s Day mouth guard (complete with handsome Yooper Times logo silkscreened on da front). And don’t forget to check back right here next week for complete details of da events there on this much-anticipated and holiest of all Yooper holidays. Yah!

Someone changed da letters (again) on da blinky sign outside of da Yeti Lodge. Points go to whoever figured out that, with a little rearranging, you can spell “ATE PISS” outta “PASTIES”. Still, da owner there didn’t appreciate it.

It got warm here for da first time in months and melted quite a lot of snow. If you’re keeping official records, da snow height is now down to da height of da Kangaroo portion of the Bounder logo on Kenneth Loukinen’s ’81 RV. This is good news if you live in that RV, Vern Pechaver. It is not good news if you’ve been tossing your empties in your yard all winter, Vern Pechaver.

Da Girl Scouts in our area are again peddling their Yooper delights for one and all. Besides all da favorites like Fin Mints, and Carpalongs, each will be offering two new flavors: Trescales and Salmonoas. Still just $3.50 per box! They’ll be set up at da IGA – end cap of aisle #1, right across from da hunting magazines and da  stand alone P.O.P. Salem display.

sockmonkey hatIt’s Tourist of da Week time and Mike Sullivan, from somewhere far away — south of Grayling, is this week’s winner! Mike was here, with his family, last May for da kickoff to Citgo’s Summer Concert Series (when they play tunes through all da Citgo pumps on all da filling islands for all of da pesky tourists to enjoy). For getting selected, Mr. Sullivan wins a handsome, hand-knitted sock monkey winter hat sponsored by everybody’s long time Barber friend, One-eyed Ray: Where da right side always comes out right. Congratulations  Mike!

And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!