da YOOPER TIMES #155
Police responded to a residence in the 300 block of Jonboat on a report of “a dozen, lazy, non-working Badgers” living in the homeowner’s own bedroom! Da hysterical and obnoxious naked man also reported witnessing Unicorns eating “yellows” outta da hamper (yes, you read dat right) and that he “somehow locked himself out of his living room again”. Da cop investigated and to no one’s surprise found no martians, no Unicorns, and his living room was exactly where it was supposed to be – between da microwave cart and da heap of empties in da closet – with no locks anywhere either. Speaking of empties, it didn’t take long for da cop to figure out that da only problem at this residence was a condition associated with all those empties, a condition we’ve come to term as “Keystone Fugue”. See it every day — happens all da time, cop got it handled. We’ve all been there. Nothing to see here. Move along. Bye, now.
Little Henry Furlane won da 5th grade Spelling Bee last Wednesday by spelling “Panfish Jigs” , and beating 2nd place Dakota Houser in a close contest. No, I mean, literally punching Dakota’s lights out. It wasn’t exactly how things are designed to go in a Bee, admits da school board, but it was entertaining to say da least!
Da Yooper WalMart is having a contest! Open to everyone! Go to da Wally World and find da roped-off mountains of piled snow in da back corner of da lot. On a 4×6 note card (or a Wendy’s bag, whatever’s closest) write down how many plastic shopping bags are buried within da pile. If spring ever comes dis year, a store employee (probably Lyle) will then gather up and count all those soggy Wally World bags. If you’re closest to da actual number you could win Wally World Mystery Meat Wedges (In da handy Family Pail) plus a case of Dew! Don’t forget to guess how many pounds of cigarette butts are in dat pile too because if there’s a tie on da bag count, da butt weight total will settle all bets. Enter as often as you like! Good luck!
Bobby Howko , at age 8, has become da youngest Yooper in history to belch da full finnish alphabet… from start… to finnish (ha) and Curtis Howko, Bobby’s dad, can sing Sinatra’s “My Way” out of his own burps. How Curtis can draw out those long vowels would bring a tear to your eye – and if he ate garlic, a tear to BOTH your eyes! What a team, those two. See them perform this Saturday at da Yeti Lodge’s Karaoke Room, 8PM!
Da Tourist of da Week honors go to a man from lower Michigan who was in our scenic peninsula last July for Independence Day festivities (when Kaarl blew up all those old dryers with C-4 down by da dock). His name is Bill Biliti and for getting selected, Bill wins himself a much-envied, 4-point Keystone Buck Mount sponsored by those wonderful people at Pickles Massage Therapy and Lube Rack: Da Massage is for your back not your pickle, da lube is for your Dodge. Don’t be sick. Congratulations Bill!
And that’s all da news dat fits dis week!